There I’ve said it out loud on the internet. I don’t ‘do’ personal posts usually (he says), well at least non-ambiguous ones, but I felt like sharing this from a moment in my life. This blog post will float around the infinite information superhighway but for some reason today I wanted to share this, I don’t know why. I will be sharing more about this whole experience in the future potentially but I think as a first baby step, this is ok-going (ok now I am internally monologuing externally). I will be writing and sharing more if I get the momentum…which for me this past year has been hard to achieve.

I managed to read the poem below out at my Dad’s funeral. I have no idea how I did it, but it was the hardest gig I’ll ever have to do (apart from that duo gig at Bolton Rugby Club when I did that kind of thing in a past time). How British, masking an awkward, personal post with humour…

Pretty momentous…one year on. I wrote this at 2am one September night whilst looking at my Dad’s empty chair. It was one of those that just flew out of my head. It’s hard to describe, really. You sort of join this club, and those in the club meet you with an unspoken knowing. I’ve been blown away by kindness, but also surprisingly blown away by ignorance, it’s a weird phenomenon that I am yet to fully figure out.

We’re all dancing with death, and it’s hard to learn the steps.

EMPTY

Your chair is now empty, but my head is not.
It’s full of the memories that you gave me, and the strength to carry on.

Your side of the bed is now empty, but her heart is not.
The other half sleeps a brave woman, with a love to rival none.

Your glass is now empty, but the tap is not.
It will pour out celebration, it’s all that you would want.

Your body is now empty, but the sky is not.
A thousand sunsets will pass me by, and I’ll thank you for each and every one.

My life is a little more empty, but my soul is not.
Thank you for the gift that you gave us, in all of us you live on.

My promises can be empty, but this one is not.
I’ll keep them close, forever and always.
I’ll keep them close, now that you’re gone.

Dedicated to Steve Jones. 02 September 1953 – 02 September 2016.

Cloudy headed:
I know that at the moment I can see
But I can see the vapour start to envelop me
Fast approaching
For the moment it is here to stay.

Inspiration:
I never know when it’s going to strike
Swimming through a mundane river all my life
Then there’s an island
I wash up on the shore
And welcome the salt to dry upon my lips.

Then I close my eyes again.

You have broken through the veil of faded glass
It’s gone away now
The pain now has subsided at last
Feel your senses tingle at the slightest touch
A gentle faded whisper of I love you very much

Kaleidoscopic images rush by
Showered in color, reminiscing life
Never felt quite like this, never felt so alive
How can you imagine this?
How can you feel so much bliss in the blink of an eye?

Come, come, come, come with us
You are safe now
You’re away now the crossing has begun
Come, come, come, come with us
You are safe now
You’re away now the crossing has begun

Busy streets and busy lives, busy, busy like busy bees in hives
Producing honey, producing money, producing magic paper got no worries
All of a sudden it suddenly seems that all these people have given up their dreams
A wake up call should make me appreciate what I have done, but I fear that it’s too late

The world will keep on spinning round
When I am laid deep, deep in the ground
Farewell struggle, farewell, farewell strife
I want to drown in the sea of life

Snapping pictures with my eyes, locked away in the dark room of my mind
Undeveloped scenes yet to unfold, snatched away no chance now to grow old
The sands of time will run out no matter what, must use the little time left that I’ve got
Why do I feel like I’m bereft of something more, some higher place, something to aim for?

The world will keep on spinning round
When I am laid deep, deep in the ground
Farewell struggle, farewell, farewell strife
I want to drown in the sea of life

The seeds of change have been sewn
Into the ground
Waiting below
Waiting for that spark of life
Want to be reborn
Need to see the light

It’s going to take a lifetime for me to really grow
Up
Tall
Strong

The winds of change are blowing in
Feel every inch of my skin
I close my eyes and depart
A thousand voices
Singing in the dark

I’m going to rip it all down and wash right out to sea
The endless sea
So clear
And so deep.

There are moments in your life
When everything is going just right
Nothing can spoil it
But you know after day comes night
It’s in league with the moon
Helping to cast shadows in your curtained room
You can choose to ignore it
But it’ll catch up with you soon

The break of the day hits your eyes
The bad dreams wiped away by blue skies
You don’t even notice
All of the signs
That something’s not right
You are blinded by the light
Oh you are naive to things that can’t be seen

So here you go without a fight
Final snapshots taken with your eyes
Just a memory now
Locked inside your mind
With all of its flaws
And the only sound you can hear is the sound of a slamming door

Where do you go now
Where will you go now?

Oh how much time can you spend
Trying to fix something that you can’t mend?
The word’s make believe now
How can this be the end?

The final curtain
How can this be the end?

Oh back there in the valley where the hills are on the crest
The patchwork blanket of emerald hues branch out far to the west
The black veins used to stretch out under scarlet skies and yield
Scaring structures, a tainted earth, rusting iron and smokey steel

Ages past, landscape changed, falling into disrepute
Songbirds sing tales and make their nests in ancient chimney flues
A crystal ball born out fire reflects a future truth
A great oak tree full of memory, sticking out a factory roof

This land is so very tarnished, battle worn and charred
You cannot see the heavens as smokey skies veil the stars
I am so far away from it but wherever I may roam
The Black Country, the Black Country is in my heart, it is my home.

New life is a drug that I’ve just started to take.
Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake.
And chains,
Big, shiny, metal chains fall down to the floor,
Am I more restricted now than ever before?

Here like a ghost, like a lost thing,
I am wandering between the light and the dark.
And try,
How I try to be seen,
But when I reveal myself, regret creeps in.

Love is a risk that I’ve just started to take,
And like this new life, I’m bound to make a mistake.
I think that fear will take a hold of me somehow.
I know I cannot let it but doubt runs through me now.

If home is where the heart is,
Then I have lost my home.
I wish it hadn’t departed,
It’s cold out here in the snow.

The branches are silver, it’s winter forever, I climb to the top but there’s nothing to see.

The rings bound inside you, tell a thousand stories, the tales are locked inside now, not a soul to hear.

When the seed hit the ground, you grew up strong, the roots went down deep, deep, into the dirt.

You can’t bury your head, it’s not who you are, but you managed to bury one branch, what a sad thing, unfortunate.

Not of choice, not of will, but a freak situation. Gone forever but yet you still stand up tall.

I love you. I love you. I love you so much, yet, I can’t stand to say it. None of us ever say it?

Why. Why. Why. Is it. So… difficult to say?

We just know

It’s there.

We just know.

Why. Why. Why. Is it. So… difficult to say?

I love you. I love you. I love you so much

The branches are silver, it’s winter forever, I climb to the top but there’s nothing to see.

She sits on the high stool in the flamboyant kitchen, her blonde hair illuminated by the spot lights and her defined face lit by the computer screen that she so often stares blankly at. I walk in the room, say hello. No response. An awkward silence thickens the air.

Then a little peep.

Hi.

She has this barrier or an invisible hermit crab-like shell that only occasionally sheds. I don’t understand. I’m an empath, so my mother says, and I respond a lot to emotions. I can usually tell what people are thinking by the way they act. There are people with barriers… then there is her. It’s like a germ, it travels and infects me and fills me with paranoia and dread; and then suddenly I’m lifted out of it. A smile. Warm and friendly like some kind of switch has gone off. I’m filled with optimism and the little voice of doubt in my head dissolves into nothingness.

Oh how the pendulum sways and conducts you in manner that I find most peculiar.